All Behavior is Communication

3–5 minutes

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When a child acts out, shuts down, or melts down, it can be tempting to focus only on the behavior itself. But in Trust-Based Relational Intervention® (TBRI®) and trauma-informed care, we know that all behavior is communication. Every tantrum, outburst, or refusal is sending a message — even if the child doesn’t have the words to say what they need. As parents and caregivers, we have to be super investigators, looking beneath the surface to find what our child is actually trying to tell us. Remember, they might not even realize it themselves, yet.

Why This Matters

When we reframe behavior as communication, we shift from asking, “What’s wrong with this child?” to “What is this child trying to tell me?” This small shift is powerful — it moves us from judgment to curiosity, from punishment to connection.

Looking Beneath the Surface

Challenging behaviors are often signals that a child is:

Hungry, tired, or dysregulated
Feeling scared, unsafe, or anxious
Seeking connection or attention
Overwhelmed by sensory input

By looking beneath the surface, we can better meet the need that’s driving the behavior instead of just reacting to the outward expression (which creates more disconnection and dysregulation).

How to Respond

Here are a few TBRI®-aligned steps you can take when behavior shows up:

Pause and Regulate Yourself: A calm adult can help a child feel safe. If you as an adult are not calm and regulated, you cannot help (or expect) your child to become calm and regulated.
Connect Before You Correct: Make eye contact, get on their level, and use a calm voice. Correction without connection always feels like rejection.
Wonder About the Need: Ask yourself, “What might this child be needing right now?” Are they hungry? Hydrated? Tired? Bored? Scared? How long has it been since they had a movement break?
Offer a Regulating Strategy: A drink of water, deep breaths, movement, or a snack can help. Even asking the child “How can I help?” gives the child voice and shows them that you are a partner, not an adversary.
Teach Skills Later: Once the child is regulated, you can teach replacement behaviors or problem-solving skills. A child who is dysregulated, in the middle of a meltdown cannot learn. Their upstairs brain is “offline”. Any attempt to teach during this time will be met with frustration and escalation for all involved.

Remember This

When your child is exhibiting baffling behaviors, pause and remind yourself: your child is not trying to give you a hard time — your child is having a hard time. This mindset shift helps you stay compassionate and curious rather than reactive. See the need, meet the need.

“Misbehavior is the expression of an unmet need. •If a child needs nurture and I give him structure, I harm his ability to trust me. If a child needs structure and I give him nurture, I harm his ability to grow. Nurture and structure must be used hand in hand.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

Real-Life Examples

Tantrum at Bedtime: Instead of jumping straight to discipline, pause and wonder if the child might be overtired or feeling anxious about separation. A short snuggle, a bedtime story, or calming music might address the real need.
Refusal to Transition: If a child refuses to leave the playground, this might be a sign they are struggling with big feelings about stopping something fun. A transition warning (“Five more minutes to play!”) or offering a choice (“Do you want to skip or hop to the car?”) can ease the shift.
Angry Outburst After School: Sometimes big behavior at pickup is a sign of stored-up stress from the school day. A regulating snack, quiet car ride, or silly game together can help release that tension before moving into homework or chores.

A Compassionate Lens

When we view behavior as communication, we create space for empathy and connection. Instead of seeing a child as “defiant” or “difficult,” we see a child who is asking for help the only way they know how in that moment. This perspective transforms how we respond — and builds trust, safety, and stronger relationships.

“Parents who are seriously committed to helping a troubled and challenged child thrive will vastly increase their odds of success by making a fundamental policy decision: to slow down their lives and put their child’s needs first.”
Karyn B. Purvis, The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family

Want to Learn More?

If you’d like more practical TBRI® strategies and resources to support children in your home, classroom, or practice, connect with me here. Together, we can help kids feel safe, connected, and understood.